FEELING STUCK? TRY THIS...
Picture the scene.
Deep in the midst of fertility treatment I was invited to dinner by my friend, who had had a baby the year before.
She opens the door...and there it was. Baby number 2, clearly on the way. A bump! She was sporting a frickin’ bump!
My darling friend knew a little of what we were going through, but not the full amount. It was no more her fault than mine but I left that dinner feeling so, so behind. And crap. I just felt crap.
Not only did she already have a baby, she was doing it again. And I hadn’t left the starting blocks. I had FOMOOB (Fear Of Missing Out On Babies).
It wasn’t the first or the last time I felt it and at the time, it was completely soul destroying. It triggered all kinds of other questions marks over my life as it stood too. What was I doing with myself while my friends seemed to be either:
a) having children b) smashing their careers c) having the time of their lives travelling round the world
And here I was, flapping like a bloody seal on a rock, going in circles with the worst sense of being stuck on my stupid island having missed the boat for the mainland.
I had a lightbulb moment in the end. Well it was more of a slow dimmer switch actually, but the end result was the same: I realised it didn’t matter.HOLY BEJEEZUS. PENNY DROPPING LIGHTBULB AND CLARITY CITY AHOY.
I stopped looking at what everyone else was doing and just started to concentrate on me. My life, my joy, my happiness, my truth. I wasn’t on an island...well, maybe I was, but it was MY island and filled with beauty actually.
I didn't just find myself able to do this one morning. As much as I love the quote at the top, you need to take action to really feel it.
Sometimes I still want to sob under the duvet and hibernate; that’s totally normal and natural but not on repeat. I allow myself (and still do) but I know now that I am worth more- I am deserving of happiness and so are you.
So, find 20 minutes today and try this, then adapt if you want and find what works for you. We’re all a bit different, but sometimes a template helps you get started and you can go from there.
Stay here, now. Stay present. You can do it. You are more than your desire just to become a parent. You are so much more. Your life is so much more. Do not forget about your life!!
Feeling stuck and left behind is truly horrendous but this is one way to start getting back into that lovely, alternative state of flow, energy and fulfilment. I believe you can get there, wherever you are in your journey.
This is what I do:
Get a pen
Draw two columns
Write ‘problem’ on one column and ‘solution’ on the other
Take 5 minutes (set a timer) and brainstorm as many reasons as possible right now why you are feeling stuck on the problem column
Set a timer again for 5 minutes and brainstorm the solutions
You can also do this like a spidergram...whatever works for you is great. Just get it all down so it’s organised.
Don’t think too much, or edit what you’re writing. If you can’t think of solutions, just write: TBC.
Now, go through your solutions and see if you can find common ground between them. Some of your problems will actually have the same solution.
Now you have your solutions, you can schedule them into your plans for the next week.
Planning for me, is essential. If I don’t plan my days I end up going round in circles without a clear idea of what I’m trying to achieve and wasting so much time in the process!
Not everyone loves planning though so do what works for you. Hopefully this exercise will give you a chance to gain clarity over some of the issues that come up.
I’ll give you a wee insight. My own solutions are either practical (problem: not enough time; solution: commit to daily planning and work early mornings for the next month) or focus on self care (i.e problem: can’t make decision over when to do a frozen embryo transfer; solution: book an appointment with our doctor and take the first step so it’s in the diary).
Focus on easy wins. Don’t try to fix the world, or your whole LIFE. Far too overwhelming. Steady, gentle steps forward in one area of your life one day, hour, minute at a time, will really, truly add up.
It has a knock on effect, so you start to experience a shift in energy overall. Quite quickly, you’ll start to notice a change and the more you focus on yourself the less you feel left behind.
I’m a firm believer that there is always, always something you can do to help yourself when you’re feeling like this.
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